a bird in a cage

somehow lately i have the feeling that everything that once was worth saving is now falling apart.
everything i'd fight for now is disappearing and just leaving me alone.
that's not my life - that's what i had until recently.
i feel wasted, not needed, i'm going blind step by step.
nothing's under my control anymore; it never was.
is there something that remains anymore?
even if there is - i don't want it, i never did.
i don't care anymore. i just don't have a proof that i would.

the best song that would express how i felt last few weeks
"The Line Begins To Blur"
by NIN

There are things that I said I would never do
There are fears that I cannot believe have come true
For my soul is too sick and too little and too late
And my self I have grown to weary to hate

The more I stay in here
The more it's not so clear
The more I stay in here
The more I disappear
As far as I have gone
I knew what side I'm on
But now I'm not so sure
The line begins to blur

Is there somebody on top of me?
I don't know I don't know
Isn't anybody stopping me?
I don't know I don't know
Well I'm trying to hold my breath
I don't know I don't know
Just how far down can I go?
I don't know I don't know I don't know

As I lie here and stare
The fabric starts to tear
It's far beyond repair
And I don't really care
As far as I have gone
I knew what side I'm on
But now I'm not so sure
The line begins to blur

PS I read an amazing manga CLOVER by CLAMP. it was weird on the beginning .. but later i got sucked in. somehow i have the feeling that every one character in that story is a part of me as well ... I'm searching for happiness like Sue, and longing for what i could never get ... I'm awaiting the day of my destruction like Ora .. and my life is occupied by sadness and forgetfulness like Kazuhiko. Somehow everyone of them .. i feel their pain. the only difference - they all had happy endings. unlike me.
but it really is a beautiful story (though i hate shoujo mangas, this one was quite awesome)

I also drew some crap ... but .. im tired of scanning and blah blah and the fffff ... so i'll just go now and hope for a brighter day .. someday it should be bright .. it .. should....

MY FIRST ANIMATION EVER

k guys i'm kind of sleepy, havent slept last two nights .. blah blah blah so here's the video, enjoyy~~ <3

MUSIC: Carter Burwell
EverythingElse: ME.

luudzu neapbizojiet mani paaraak par kvalitaati un animaacijas suudiigumu, zinu, ka tas ir taads kaads ir .. tapeec luudzu nebaaziet man sejaa pielautaas kluudas un visu to paareejo, jo pati zinu. ceru, ka piedosiet un kaa labu argumentu nemsiet to, ka shii tak ir mana pirmaa reize visaa shajaa padariishanaa

damn it's too big to upload it up in here .. so here's the link to YT

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-vgGJgZIvU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-vgGJgZIvU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-vgGJgZIvU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-vgGJgZIvU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-vgGJgZIvU

anyway - it took me some time, totally scanned pictures - about 400 ...
atziishos - man tomeer vis tas process patika daudz vairaak nekaa redzeet rezultaatu.
runaajot par rezultaatiem, riit uzzinaashu, kaadu atziimi par sho sanemshu .. ceru, ka loti labu :3 tieshaam tieshaam ceru >_< ... ugh i can't think straight i'm too tired to think
at least i dont have to go to school tomorrow ^^ vareeshu paguleet biku ilgaak .. lai gan zinu, ka atkal pa naktiim haltuureeshu, jo 5dien man lielaa darbu skate. meeeeh .. saape peecpusee

have a nice day <3

stuff - animation in process

UFUFUFU I'M WORKING ON MY ANIMATION RIGHT NOW~~~
here's a little screenshot of stuff i'm doing right now ...
I want to make you all excited for the result .. it's gonna be done tomorrow (cause the next day i have a review or smthn)


ANYWAY - it's gonna be 2:16 long .. about autumn and a weird fox-cat-girl ...

I hope i can finish it

baigi cakariigi ziimeet to animaaciju .. nejau no skatiijuma, ka ir daudz jaaziimee, bet gan no taa, ka tas ir paaraak laikietilpiigi un baigi ierauj ieksaa procesaa .. man kopumaa tas sagaadaa pieku, un zinu, kur es doshos, kad staashos akadeemijaa :3 .. tomeer LAIKS AK KAA TAS LAIKS PAZUUD man taada sajuuta, ka pa maaju skraida mazi ruukiishi un paarpiida pulkstenus uz prieksu .. un nejau pa minuuteem desmit, nee, stundaam!! vinu deelj es aizvakar knapi guleet aizgaaju - saaku ziimeet ap deviniem vakaraa, un pie peedeejaa kadra atjeedzos, ka jau puspieci .. gaah
man taadas aizdomas, ka sodien noseedeesu liidz kaadiem trijiem vsmz .. ceru, ka vsp guleet aizieshu .. lai gan, ja neaizieshu, arii nav liela probleema - riit vieglas un patiikamas stundas .. video .. grafika .. foto .. mmm
ko veel varu pakomenteet .. ies ieniistu lielus nepaklausiigus sunus maitas. tie idioti man 7dien uzkaapa uz muguras un sakoda maketa sniegaviiram degunu. I HATE THEM SO FUCKIN MUCH
peec tam seja bija sniegaa, acis vieglaas asaraas ... bet nu neko dariit.
naakamreiz es viniem nokodiishu kko, un tas buus ne tikai deguns.
konceptuaalajaa gandriiz pabeidzu komiksu, kas ir vienu moleskine kladi biezs. diemzeel nespeeshu paraadiit netaa, ja kaadu tieshaam baigi interesee palasiit, varu iedot (akcenteeju tevi, Anete!! man vaig tavu kritiku owo)

aaanyway, laikam nu kersos atpakal pie darba.
vajadzeeja biku pabraukaat pa klaviatuuru hehe

BYE BYE I HOPE YOU HAVE A NICE WEEK

you'll see today's and last semesters result tomorrow evening~~
A<

<3

useless stuff

THAT DOG IS SCARY.
AND HE ALSO TALKS.
SO IT'S A SCARY TALKING DOG.

k .. soo .. There was something really really important I really really wanted to rant about .. but i forgot .. what it was .. so .. no rant for u guys, only spam.

shh don't laugh .. or it'll bite your precious hand

OMNOMNOM

Actually I'm quite bored at this moment .. I should work on my stuff for school .. but naah - I'll finish it in time anyway. I'm only worried for animation .. but naah - i don't want to do it now .. AND I'M HUNGRRRYYYY SOOOOOOO HUNGRY .. but naah - i'm too lazy to go and make myself a sandwich .. Speaking of sand and witches - today i fell two times in snow at the sea. it was great. My BF is ill .. BWAAAAAAH I feel so lonely without him ;_; please get well sooooon<3
what else .. I STILL CAN'T REMEMBER what I needed to rant about. stupid brain. amnesia.
wah wah

hopefully all of you are ok
wish u luck ***

i shall work now .. with some sandwiches ... WAAAAAAAH A GREAT ANIME JUST STARTED ON RTL2 - WAKFU ~~~~ recomended *

a little TO DO list ..

.. so I don't forget what I have to do til the 15th of December ..

NVM THIS SPAM.

zals noziimee izdariits

*kompoziicija:

• -Latvijai-20
  

• -Tilts (skices) !
  

• -Giotto

• -TELPA

*gleznoshana:

• -istaba

• - portrets ar rokām
  

*multimediji: (skate 15. dec)

• -animaacija (8)
  

• -komikss(10)

• -makets ieniistu lielos sunjus, tie nolauza manam sniegaviira maketam degunu ;A; and there's nothing i can do to re-do it ..
  

• -apstraadaa, izdrukaa, saliimee foto !
  

*grafika:

• -litograafijai pakal aizej (3. dec.)
  

• -25 kvadraatinji- uzziimee un saliimee uz plansetes (25/25)
  

• -kopijas
  

• -skiciites ofortam (skriceleejums) !
  

*ziimeeshana:

• -2 grimases
  

*maakslas veesture

• -uzziimee burtus uz 2. decembri !!!

• -recenzija "rudens" uz 9. dec !!!

• -anotaacija "un citi" uz 2. dec. !!!!

• -anotaacija veel vienai izveeles izstaadei !!!
  

parastie prieksmeti - sk. savaa dienasgraamataa un lielajaa mapee. ...
gwah.


I HOPE I CAN DO THIS ALL.
WISH ME LUCK GUYS.
WISH ME LUCK ... __m_<(* u *)>_m__


/edit on the 17th of december, the day of "skate", 3 am./ FINALLY DONE. QwQ

am I worth saving?

IF YOU CAN'T SAVE IT ....


I see no use at trying.
I see no use at hoping.
I'm way past trying
I'm way past caring
I'm way past hoping
I'm always needing
I'm always working
the wrong way
it won't get me anywhere

I'M STILL TRYING NOT TO LOSE MYSELF
but I can't live when I don't get the right thing I'd need

sometimes I wish I were like everyone else with same problems -
then I could get rid of them the same way everyone does.
But what should I do
when the problem is being myself?
I can't stay like this forever -
now I finally stopped living in my dream, where all I needed I had
but now, when I need the same everybody does
it's way too hard
to think like everyone wants me to

I've lost my sight now.
I see no reason to fight anymore.
I now, I won't find my pot of gold here
and I still can't be told
how much can I take?
I hope for everything
but really there's nothing.

NOT A TINY THING.

I'm one of those people, one of those weird lamps
you look at and think "that weird but still interesting lamp would look good in my kitchen .."
you take it in your hands, see some defects or some parameters you dislike
and put it away.
that lamp is taken hundreds of times and everyone thinks the same,
"interesting, never seen something like this .."
but somehow everyone puts it away
and takes something that's brand new,
something that's modern and is made in china
something that reveals the AmericanDream, something that has been copied hundreds of times
but that one weird lamp gets dusty
days go by
cracks appear

nobody needs a lamp with abnormalities
nobody needs a lamp that's different and dusty.

a day will come and it'll break.
in the same shelf
it lied all it's damn life
it'll break and it's grave will be the dust.
it never went futher
it never got a chance to live
JUST BECAUSE IT DOESN'T HAVE THE STANDARD PARAMETERS

it reminded me that nothing lasts.
sometimes to get what you want you should change yourself.

so I won't make any 2 meter high works
and draw my characters
I'll do still life and sometimes something that's modern right now,
maybe something GUCCI style with gold and sea-blue
I'll drik business-women drinks espresso or macchiato
with no straw
i won't pick up pretty leafs, no, I won't see them anymore.
maybe I'll even dress myself up in trousers
and those pretty white blouses
i'll sit in an office and do paperworks
and won't use words like "shizomathick"
cause normal people speak normal language
cause normal people live normal lifes
cause normal people get what they need

and i really really need to get somewhere
even if it's an office - it's alright
cause all I need is a normal life with an apartment, some money and breakfast.


I just can't understand .. why .. why can't I be good enough.
I WANT TO BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANYTHING I DO.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND MY PAIN
I JUST DON'T FEEL QUITE THE SAME I DID EVERYTIME I FAILED
YOU CAN TELL ME ANYTHING
BUT NOT WHAT THE FUTURE BRINGS

I've lost my faith in what I do.
Another fail will make it only worse.
Maybe I'm not suited for art.
Maybe I'm just pretending for being what I am.

Why believe myself
If there's really nothing.

I feel wasted.
someone just whispered in my ears

Try not to lose yourself
Wash away your tears
You've been false for some new thing
Keep being the way you are

You can tell me anything ...
... but not what future brings.

... LEAVE IT DYING ON THE ROAD.

ARTZ.

FINISHED. FINALLY IT'S FINISHED.
and it means I can stop making these monkey faces and let myself call a "dork, you'll never make it !!" ufufu



this is how it looked this morning ...



AND NOW. this is the full image .. hehe lol ..
(will continue Latvian)
taa .. teema ir kautkaada tur "Telpa" .. konkreetus nosaciijumus vairs neatceros, bet itkaa Telpa, kuraa iedvesmojos utt utml. (baigais fufelis) ..
kopumaa meeginaaju atteelot telpu - tukshu un vienveidiigu, bet ar bezgaliigiem griestiem, kuros lidinaas manas domas, sapni, idejas utt. es pati esmu tur, apakshaa- mazais susliks. (ja kaadu interesee, var palasiit sho spamu) taatad. ko es gribeeju ar to visu teikt - vislabaak, visdetalizeetaak un realistiskaak ir daba, kas mani iedvesmo visvairaak, taa ir radiijusi mani, manas domas un uzskatus. augstaak, gaishaako tonjos vieglaa miglaajaa ir cilveeki - dazaadi ar visdazaadaakajaam emocijaam (lab lab, vini tur ir tikai seshi .. bailes unizmisums, dusmas un naids, prieks un apmierinaajus, protests un ticiiba, iemiileeshanaas un kaisle, un sesto varat saprast kaa gribat. lol. ) taa kaa cilveeki ir visdazaadaakie, kaa arii ne vienmeer "cilveeki" ... meeh, mans nemaaceet teikt domas. ko vinja censhas pateikt ir tas, ka apkaarteejie vinju ietekmee ar visu visaas jomaas un domu liimenjos - vinji meedz vinju izmainiit, padariit labaaku vai nosleegtaaku. vinju apkaarteejo riiciibas un izskats iedvesmo, veido un vada. kaa arii pastiprina vinjas uzskatus. bet taa kaa cilveeki vinjas aciis tomeer nebeedz buut tikpat reaali un iisti kaa daba un dziivnieki, vinji izbaal kkur zilajaas taalees. pa vidu ir austinjas, taas, skaidrs - raksturo muziku. bez taas mana dziive buutu elles elle, pagaidaam taa ir tikai tiikama elle.
un pashaa augshaa, debesiis, ir mani personaazhi, iedomu radiijumi, sapnji. tie pastaav tikai manaas domaas un sirdii, ja kaads loti veelas, varu kaadu ielaist arii vinjeejo praataa (par sekaam neatbildu !!). ieziimeeju tikai 15, visvieglaak uzziimeejamos, ja man naaktos ziimeet visus, es laikam nojuugtos hehe. tur, starp personaazhiem ir viegls meenestinjsh, starp zveeriem - saule. shie abi objekti raksturo netveramos sapnjus un ikdienas realitaati. tas baalais koks pa virsu saulei - dziiviiba. (patiesiibaa taas ir veenas, bet nu saukshu to par baltu koku). dziiviibas sazarojums, tas, kas liek muusu sirdiim puksteet un smadzeneem domaat. kaapeec gan tas ir balts?.. tur jau ir naakamaa doma - kraasu spektra viiiiiiduuus. zemaak, saak jaukties visas kraasas, to apvij shii "koka" galvenaa un vieniigaa sakne, kas taas novada ljoti koncentreetaa veidaa apakshaa staavoshajaa suslikaa. ko es centos ar visu sho muldeeshanu pateikt - itin viss, kas atrodas man apkaart un manii iekshaa, mani iedvesmo, vada un veido. un taas nav monekulas vai atomi, nee, taas ir kraasas un emocijas, ko var redzeet un just. veelmes, sapnji, realitaate un rezultaats - tas ir tas, kaa deelj elpoju un ciinos. taa esmu es un mana telpa. telpa, kuraa norisinaas shie procesi.
telpa, kuraa norisinaas dziiviiba, un veelaak arii atvadas no taas. kaadu dienu, kad visi mani buus aizmirsushi, sho telpu ienems cits un turpinaas pilnveidot sevi.



augsha. tur juus varat redzeet manus personaazhus, cilveeku sejas (uuuglyy) .. un meenestinju, kas simbolizee nakti un vienlaiciigi sapnjus un iedomas.



VIDUS~ .. dziivnieki, kraasas, radiijumi utt.



I like this part the most - BIRRRDIEEES~
ja kaaadu interesee, viss ir veikts akrilaa ar nedaudz akvareli (putni ir ziimeejumi ar akvareli un peec tam liimeeti virsuu, taapat kaa rozes.) ir izmantoti arii kriitinji, flomasteri un markieri. un ziimulis (viennoziimiigi)

THANKS FOR READING THIS NIGHTMARE.
THANKS FOR VIEWING THIS FAILURE (es tieshaaaaam cereeju, ka iznaaks labaak. un taa kaa nomociijos ar sho darbu kaadas piecas dienas, un rezultaats nav nemaz tik labs, tapeec noskatos uz to kaa uz kaarteejo skolas darbu, kas agraak vai veelaak tiks paargrunteets un uz taa kraasots kas cits.)
nyaa.
man nesanaaca taas bildes apgriezt pareizi, sowwy par sagaadaatajaam neeertiibaam.



ME IS REALLY THANKFUL. THANK YOU !! <3

ARTZ WIP

LOOKIE WHAT I'M WORKIN ON RIGHT NOW:





vakar uztaisiiju raami, kas ir 1m x 2m (mos pat bik lielaaks), uzliku audekli, nogrunteeju ...

un sodien jau saaku darbu !!
MUAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAAA
MEGALONAIAAAAAAAH

patiesiibaa man tas jaapabeidz jau riit, jo ceturdien skolaa skate gatavajiem darbiem ...
es pat nezinu, kapeec peekshni sagribeejaas tik lielu formaatu, ka tas pat manaa istabaa neielien ... tapeec esmu spiesta straadaat darbniicaa =___=
haha ... man jaastraadaa, bet seezu netaa .. cik .. nozeelojami ..

nyaaa. labi, ka saslimu, savaadaak nebuutu atnaakusi shii mega formaata veelme.
teehee.

un NEE, es negribu vinneet to suuda konkursu. patiesiibaa to daru tikai deelj pashizpausmes, iedvesmas un drausmiigaas veelmes kaadam iebaazt to sejaa. haa. lai gan nemaz nebuutu tik slikti, ja sho 2-metriigo kacinju vareetu apskatiit arii citi lol ..

riit ielikshu arii gatavaa darba foto ... tik nez, vai izdosies pienaaciigi uznemt .. kosmisks formaats lol ...

man pat skiet, ka saaku krist panikaa, jo nezinu, vai tikshu galaa .. heh. redzeesim. ^^

WISH ME LUCK !!

SKUMJAS.

ŠODIEN

ŠODIEN NOLĒMU IZIET
PLUDMALĒ

ŠODIEN NOLĒMU SLĪKT DOMĀS
PAR TEVI

ŠODIEN NOLĒMU IEKOST
SEV LŪPĀ

ŠODIEN

ŠODIEN ES RAUDĀŠU.

RĪT REDZĒSIM

REDZĒSIM, KO MAN ATNESĪS
RĪTDIENAS VIĻŅI

REDZĒSIM
UN JUTĪSIM.


∆ ∆ ∆

Arrive alive

Would you be there
Be there
Be there for me ?

It's a rainy day
I'm sitting on my couch

just like every evening

smiling
laughing
hysterical crying
because this must be


I just have to bear it.

I can feel it inside me
All my organs are symmetrical
two legs, two arms
I could just split in two ...
I could just live on peacfully ...
two bodies, two souls one heart - why can't we separate?
everyone wants to keep on living ..
nobody wants to die
nobody wants to give away its heart


I won't lie to you
I just need to get another heart
to shine forever within the stars
or rusted and forgotten lay on the ground.


so I'll just keep on living one life with two eyes that see different
walk with two legs in different directions
and one day I'll tear my heart apart

and die
and die
and die again and again.


the door handles to my heart stopped moving years ago.
but still - would you
be there
be there

?