am I worth saving?

IF YOU CAN'T SAVE IT ....


I see no use at trying.
I see no use at hoping.
I'm way past trying
I'm way past caring
I'm way past hoping
I'm always needing
I'm always working
the wrong way
it won't get me anywhere

I'M STILL TRYING NOT TO LOSE MYSELF
but I can't live when I don't get the right thing I'd need

sometimes I wish I were like everyone else with same problems -
then I could get rid of them the same way everyone does.
But what should I do
when the problem is being myself?
I can't stay like this forever -
now I finally stopped living in my dream, where all I needed I had
but now, when I need the same everybody does
it's way too hard
to think like everyone wants me to

I've lost my sight now.
I see no reason to fight anymore.
I now, I won't find my pot of gold here
and I still can't be told
how much can I take?
I hope for everything
but really there's nothing.

NOT A TINY THING.

I'm one of those people, one of those weird lamps
you look at and think "that weird but still interesting lamp would look good in my kitchen .."
you take it in your hands, see some defects or some parameters you dislike
and put it away.
that lamp is taken hundreds of times and everyone thinks the same,
"interesting, never seen something like this .."
but somehow everyone puts it away
and takes something that's brand new,
something that's modern and is made in china
something that reveals the AmericanDream, something that has been copied hundreds of times
but that one weird lamp gets dusty
days go by
cracks appear

nobody needs a lamp with abnormalities
nobody needs a lamp that's different and dusty.

a day will come and it'll break.
in the same shelf
it lied all it's damn life
it'll break and it's grave will be the dust.
it never went futher
it never got a chance to live
JUST BECAUSE IT DOESN'T HAVE THE STANDARD PARAMETERS

it reminded me that nothing lasts.
sometimes to get what you want you should change yourself.

so I won't make any 2 meter high works
and draw my characters
I'll do still life and sometimes something that's modern right now,
maybe something GUCCI style with gold and sea-blue
I'll drik business-women drinks espresso or macchiato
with no straw
i won't pick up pretty leafs, no, I won't see them anymore.
maybe I'll even dress myself up in trousers
and those pretty white blouses
i'll sit in an office and do paperworks
and won't use words like "shizomathick"
cause normal people speak normal language
cause normal people live normal lifes
cause normal people get what they need

and i really really need to get somewhere
even if it's an office - it's alright
cause all I need is a normal life with an apartment, some money and breakfast.


I just can't understand .. why .. why can't I be good enough.
I WANT TO BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANYTHING I DO.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND MY PAIN
I JUST DON'T FEEL QUITE THE SAME I DID EVERYTIME I FAILED
YOU CAN TELL ME ANYTHING
BUT NOT WHAT THE FUTURE BRINGS

I've lost my faith in what I do.
Another fail will make it only worse.
Maybe I'm not suited for art.
Maybe I'm just pretending for being what I am.

Why believe myself
If there's really nothing.

I feel wasted.
someone just whispered in my ears

Try not to lose yourself
Wash away your tears
You've been false for some new thing
Keep being the way you are

You can tell me anything ...
... but not what future brings.

... LEAVE IT DYING ON THE ROAD.