a bird in a cage

somehow lately i have the feeling that everything that once was worth saving is now falling apart.
everything i'd fight for now is disappearing and just leaving me alone.
that's not my life - that's what i had until recently.
i feel wasted, not needed, i'm going blind step by step.
nothing's under my control anymore; it never was.
is there something that remains anymore?
even if there is - i don't want it, i never did.
i don't care anymore. i just don't have a proof that i would.

the best song that would express how i felt last few weeks
"The Line Begins To Blur"
by NIN

There are things that I said I would never do
There are fears that I cannot believe have come true
For my soul is too sick and too little and too late
And my self I have grown to weary to hate

The more I stay in here
The more it's not so clear
The more I stay in here
The more I disappear
As far as I have gone
I knew what side I'm on
But now I'm not so sure
The line begins to blur

Is there somebody on top of me?
I don't know I don't know
Isn't anybody stopping me?
I don't know I don't know
Well I'm trying to hold my breath
I don't know I don't know
Just how far down can I go?
I don't know I don't know I don't know

As I lie here and stare
The fabric starts to tear
It's far beyond repair
And I don't really care
As far as I have gone
I knew what side I'm on
But now I'm not so sure
The line begins to blur

PS I read an amazing manga CLOVER by CLAMP. it was weird on the beginning .. but later i got sucked in. somehow i have the feeling that every one character in that story is a part of me as well ... I'm searching for happiness like Sue, and longing for what i could never get ... I'm awaiting the day of my destruction like Ora .. and my life is occupied by sadness and forgetfulness like Kazuhiko. Somehow everyone of them .. i feel their pain. the only difference - they all had happy endings. unlike me.
but it really is a beautiful story (though i hate shoujo mangas, this one was quite awesome)

I also drew some crap ... but .. im tired of scanning and blah blah and the fffff ... so i'll just go now and hope for a brighter day .. someday it should be bright .. it .. should....